Roughing the Passer

The title card

Roughing the Passer is the 37th episode of Action League Now!. It first premiered on the Kablam! episode, You'll Love Our Selection on November 1, 1998.

Characters Present

• The Flesh
• Thundergirl
• Stinky Diver
• Meltman
• The Chief
• The Mayor
• Bill the Lab Guy
• Coach Bill Cowher
• Brett Favre
• Kordell Stewart
• John Elway
• Troy Aikman
• Other Football Players

Plot

The episode begins at a football field, where The Mayor begs Coach Bill Cowher to let him play in the NFL. Coach Cowher asks why The Mayor wants to play pro football, who answers that he wants to play for the fame and even does his ridiculous touchdown dance. Coach Cowher, however, refuses to accept The Mayor, as he already has all of the top quarter backs he needs - too many, that is - and doesn't need any more. Upon hearing this, The Mayor decides to eliminate the top quarterbacks one by one, starting with Troy Aikman, whom he trips by sticking out his leg as he runs across the field. This causes him to fall out through the window and into the road, where a car runs over him. The Mayor is delighted with his evil plan and prepares to injure more of the quarterbacks!

At Action Headquarters, The Chief tells the Action League that somebody's injuring the NFL's top quarterbacks, so they need to keep them out of danger. Meltman promises The Chief that they'll be the best bodyguards ever as he and the others set out.

In the gym, The Flesh decides to be Brett Favre's bodyguard, promising him never to let him out of his sight. Brett wishes he would, because he's completely naked and making him afraid. He then tells him to put a towel on, and as The Flesh leaves to find one, The Mayor smashes Brett with a barbell from above!

Soon, Thundergirl and Stinky are at a studio, where Kordell Stewart is being filmed for a commercial about the Heavy Hitter brand hammer. Thundergirl makes a suggestion on how the commercial should be, but Stinky reminds her that she's supposed to be protecting Kordell. While they argue, The Mayor smashes Kordell with the Heavy Hitter hammer, making Stinky and Thundergirl ask for makeup in embarrassment.

Finally, Meltman is in the kitchen, telling John Elway about playing football in his youth. An exasperated John asks Meltman if they can talk later, as he needs to get in a whirlpool from feeling a little stiff. As John gets inside the blender, which is set to LOW, the Mayor sets it to HIGH, splitting John apart.

With his evil plan a success, The Mayor calls Coach Cowher, who still won't let him play.

The big day comes at last and the League arrives at the football field. The Chief is glad to see them, as he was worried that John, Kordell, Brett, and Troy weren't going to be able to make it. However, the League reveals that those players DID make it - in pieces, which Bill the Lab Guy is trying to put back together. Meanwhile, high above the stadium, The Mayor, being the sore loser he is, is trying to saw off the chains from the lampshade, declaring that if he can't play, no one can! The Narrator asks the viewers if The Mayor will succeed in his evil plan and if both the Action League and the NFL will be eliminated, then tells them to stay tuned for part two.

In the second act, as The Mayor continues to saw the chains, The Flesh starts the opening coin toss ceremony and asks which side of the coin the football players want. One of the teams picks "heads", so The Flesh tosses the coin into the air, where it lands on The Mayor and knocks him down from the lampshade, onto the field below. Stinky then learns that The Mayor was above them, trying to sabotage the game. The Mayor isn't hurt from that fall, but he is when the saw lands on him, slicing off his head. The football players mistake it for a loose football, so The Mayor is happy that he finally gets to play as the football players tackle him around.

Later that day, as the rest of the League takes The Mayor away, the football players thank The Flesh for saving the game with his coin toss. Kordell asks The Flesh if he can play football, too. The Flesh does so, but accidentally knocks down the lampshade above them, which lands on top of them as the episode ends with Kordell regretting that he asked.

Quotes

• The Flesh: "Mr. Favor, I'm The Flesh, and I'm never letting you out of my sight!"

Brett Favre: "To be honest, son, I wish you would, seeing how you're naked as a jaybird. Now put a towel on, you're freaking me out!"

• Coach Bill Cowher: "Quit bugging me, you ding-dong! What part of 'You're not playing' don't you understand?"

The Mayor: "The 'You're not playing' part!"

• The Chief: "Hoo-wee, am I glad to see you guys! I was worried Elway, Favre, and Stewart weren't gonna make it!"

Stinky Diver: "You worry too much, Chief!"

Thundergirl: "Yeah, they're all here."

(The camera cuts to Bill, who is trying to put John, Brett, Kordell, and Troy back together)

Bill the Lab Guy: "Hold still, Mr. Stewart."

Kordell Stewart: "That's Favre's arm, you poindexter!"

Brett Favre: "Where'd you go to Med School, Dumb Guy State?"

• The Flesh: "Heads or tails?"

Football player: "Heads."

(The Flesh tosses the coin into the air. It lands on The Mayor, knocking him off the lampshade and onto the field below)

Stinky Diver: "Blimey! It's The Mayor!"

The Mayor: "That didn't hurt a bit." (The saw lands on him, slicing his head off) "That did."

The Flesh: "Heads it is!"

Trivia

• Bill Cowher, Brett Favre, Kordell Stewart, John Elway, and Troy Aikman all provided the voices of their action figure caricatures.

Previous Episode

• Art of Thunder

Next Episode

• Hit of Horror

Football Player Phrase

That Mayor fella was as nasty as an alligator paying alimony."

Gallery

"Dateline, Side Pocket Stadium. As NFL players practice for the upcoming Pro Bowl, Coach Bill Cowher fields a request from a questionable quarterback."

"Oh, please let me play, coach! Please, please, please!"

"But you're The Mayor. Why would you wanna play pro football?"

"For the fame, you nitwit!"

"Look, I've already got my own touchdown dance!"

The Mayor performs his touchdown dance to Coach Bill Cowher.

"Take a hike, you clown! I've already got all the top quarterbacks here. Too many of them, in fact. Why do I need you?"

"Too many quarterbacks, eh? That is a problem."

Troy Aikman then runs but...

"Wouldn't you agree, Troy Aikman?"

...is tripped by the Mayor causing him to land out of the window and into the road.,,

...then getting run over by the car in the process.

"Ha ha! That's what I call a good ground game!"

"We find our heroes at Action Headquarters, getting briefed by the Chief."

"Blast it! Some nut job out there is gutting for the NFL's top quarterbacks! We've got to protect them! Think you morons can handle it?"

"Don't worry, Chief, we'll be the best 'D' those QB's have ever seen!"

"Good one, Melty!"

"And so, the League kicks off a campaign to protect top pros like Brett Favre..."

"Mr. Favor, I'm The Flesh, and I'm never letting you out of my sight!"

"To be honest, son, I wish you would, seeing how you're naked as a jaybird. Now put a towel on, you're freaking me out!"

"Okay!"

"Whoo! Time to do some crunches."

"Crunches! Great idea, Brett, baby!"

The Mayor then drops the barbell...

...and hurts Brett Favre.

"And action!"

"This is Kordell Stewart, reminding you that if it doesn't say 'Heavy Hitter,' it's not a heavy hitter."

"Cut! Okay, Kordell. Let's try it again." "I have a suggestion: 'Punch Heavy more! Ramp up the energy 10% overall!'"

Stinky: "Don't listen to her twaddle, Kordell! She's not the director! She's supposed to be a bodyguard!"

"Don't tell me what to do!" "Somebody has to, you buttinski!" "'Buttinski?!?'"

The Mayor smashes Kordell to piecs with the Heavy Hitter hammer.

"Hm..."

"Makeup!"

"And that, John, my friend, is how I won my third grade flag football championship. And in fourth grade..."

"Uh, could we talk about this later, Meltman?"

"I need to get in a whirlpool. I'm feeling a little stiff."

"No problem, Johnny. We pros gotta stay in peak physical condition."

John Elway relaxes in the whirlpool, Too bad he is unaware that the Mayor is near.

"Ha, ha! This should cause a stir."

He then turns the setting from LOW to HIGH...

...and John is span around in the whirlpool, screaming in terror and pain!

"Work through the pain, Johnny! Nothing like a whirlpool to loosen you right up!"

John is then completely split to pieces.

"Maybe that's a little too loose..."

"Meanwhile..."'

"Quit bugging me, you ding-dong! What part of 'You're not playing' don't you understand?"

"The 'You're not playing' part!"

"As the big day arrives, our big idiots arrive at a standing-room only stadium."

"Hoo-wee, am I glad to see you guys!

"I was worried Elway, Favre, and Stewart weren't going to make it!"

"You worry too much, Chief."

"Yeah, they're all here."

"Hold still, Mr. Stewart." "That's Favre's arm, you poindexter!" "Where'd you go to med school? Dumb Guy State?"

"Meanwhile, high above the stadium, a poor sport prepares for sudden death overtime..."

"Ha ha! If I don't get to play, no one will!" "Is the Pro Bowl about to become the Oh-No Bowl? Are both leagues bound for the injured reserve? Stay tuned for the final quarter of Action League Now!"

"A football team on the defensive, the Action League, generally offensive! With the Mayor poised to pummel the Pro Bowl, our oblivious heroes take part in the opening ceremonies." "And now, for the opening coin toss, please welcome, The Flesh!" "Heads or tails?" "Heads."

The coin then heads for the lampshade...

...and hits the Mayor and the saw.

"Blimey! It's The Mayor!"

"That didn't hurt a bit!"

"UGH!!!"

"That did..."

"Heads it is!"

"Hey! Loose ball!"

"Yay! I get to play!"

The Mayor's head is then tackled.

The Mayor's body is taken away by Stinky, Thundergirl with Meltman carrying the head, witnessed by the Flesh and the players.

"Flesh, your coin toss saved the Pro Bowl. That Mayor fella was as nasty as an alligator paying alimony." "Hey, you're a pretty big guy. Ever think about throwing the pigskin for a livin'?"

"You mean like this?"

The lampshade falls then crashes onto Side Pocket Stadium.

"OUCH!" "Forget I asked..." "The end."

Behind the scenes