- The Flesh
- Stinky Diver
- The Chief
- The Mayor
- Bill the Lab Guy
- Coach Bill Cowher
- Brett Favre
- Kordell Stewart
- John Elway
- Troy Aikman
- Other Football Players
The episode begins at the football field, where His Dishonor, The Mayor begs Coach Bill Cowher to let him play in the NFL. Bill Cowher asks why he wants to play pro football. The Mayor tells him that he wants to play for the fame, and even does his ridiculous touchdown dance for him. Bill Cowher refuses to let The Mayor play, as he already has all the top quarter backs he needs. In fact, he has too many and doesn't need any more. Upon hearing this, The Mayor decides to eliminate all the top quarterbacks one by one, starting with Troy Aikman, whom he trips by sticking out his leg as he runs across the field. This causes Troy to fall out the window and into the road, where he gets run over by a car. The Mayor is delighted with his evil plan, and prepares to injure more quarterbacks.
At Action Headquarters, The Chief tells the Action League that someone is injuring all the NFL's top quarterbacks, and it's up to them to be their bodyguards. Meltman promises The Chief that they'll be the best bodyguards ever, and he, The Flesh, Thundergirl, and Stinky set off.
At the Gym, The Flesh decides to be Brett Favre's bodyguard, promising him never to let him out of his sight. Brett tells him he wishes he would, because he's completely naked. He tells him to put a towel on, and as The Flesh leaves to find one, The Mayor is above Brett and smashes him with a barbell.
Thundergirl and Stinky are at a studio, where Kordell Stewart is being filmed in a commercial for the Heavy Hitter brand hammer. Thundergirl makes a suggestion on how the commercial should be, but Stinky reminds her that she's supposed to be Cordell's bodyguard, not the director. While they argue, The Mayor smashes Cordell with the Heavy Hitter hammer.
Meltman is at the kitchen, telling John Elway about his past life playing football. John asks Meltman if they can talk later, as he needs to get in a whirlpool, as he's feeling a little stiff. As John gets inside the blender, which is set to LOW, the Mayor sets it to HIGH, splitting John to pieces.
With his evil plan a success, The Mayor calls Bill Cowher, who still won't let him play.
The big day arrives, and The Action League arrive at the football field. The Chief is glad to see them, as he was worried that John, Kordell, and Brett weren't going to be able to make it. The Action League reveals that they all did make it, in pieces, which Bill the Lab Guy is trying to put back together. Meanwhile, high above The Stadium, The Mayor, being the sore loser he is, is trying to saw the chains off the lampshade, claiming that if he doesn't get to play, no one will! The Narrator asks the viewers if The Mayor will succeed in his evil plan and both The Action League and the NFL will be eliminated, then tells them to stay tuned for Part 2.
In the second act, as The Mayor continues to saw the chains, The Flesh starts the opening coin toss ceremony. He asks which side of the coin the Football players want, and one of the teams picks "heads." The Flesh tosses the coin into the air, where it lands on The Mayor, knocking him off the lampshade and onto the field below. Stinky finds out The Mayor was above them, trying to sabotage the game. The Mayor isn't hurt from his fall, but is hurt when the saw lands on him, slicing his head off, which the football players mistake for a loose football. The Mayor is happy that he finally gets to play, and the football players tackle his head.
Later that day, as the rest of the Action League takes The Mayor away, the football players thank The Flesh for saving the game with his coin toss. Kordell asks The Flesh if he can throw the football for them. The Flesh does so, but he accidentally knocks down the lampshade above them, which lands on top of them as the episode ends.
- The Flesh: "Mr. Favor, I'm The Flesh, and I'm never letting you out of my sight!"
- Brett Favre: "To be honest, son, I wish you would, seeing how you're naked as a jaybird. Now put a towel on, you're freaking me out!"
- Coach Bill Cowher: "Quit bugging me, you ding-dong! What part of 'You're not playing' don't you understand?"
- The Mayor: "The 'You're not playing' part!"
- The Chief: "Hoo-wee, am I glad to see you guys! I was worried Elway, Favre, and Stewart weren't gonna make it!"
- Stinky Diver: "You worry too much, Chief!"
- Thundergirl: "Yeah, they're all here."
- (The camera cuts to Bill, who is trying to put John, Brett, and Kordell back together)
- Bill the Lab Guy: "Hold still, Mr. Stewart."
- Kordell Stewart: "That's Favre's arm, you poindexter!"
- Brett Favre: "Where'd you go to Med School, Dumb Guy State?"
- The Flesh: "Heads or tails?"
- Football player: "Heads."
- (The Flesh tosses the coin into the air. It lands on The Mayor, knocking him off the lampshade and onto the field below)
- Stinky Diver: "Blimey! It's The Mayor!"
- The Mayor: "That didn't hurt a bit." (The saw lands on him, slicing his head off) "That did."
- The Flesh: "Heads it is!"
- Bill Cowher, Brett Favre, Kordell Stewart, John Elway, and Troy Aikman all provided the voices of their action figure caricatures.